Starting Over

I started this blog when I went to India with Debra for her surgeries. It was last ditch effort to find out why she was so ill. Well life has changed and I am moving on with my life and she is moving on with hers. I think that's best for both of us. So on this cold November morning I am going to take the suggestion of a friend and start over with a new blog that brings me joy and comfort. I will still use it as a prayer link but also add cooking, and menu items, photos of our fun times together with friends and things that make me happy. I am sure it will be productive and I invite you to visit, make comments and post to it your favorite recipes as well. This life is to short to live in fear of the what if I don't do this or that... guilt is of no use to anyone and we can never change the past but we can build a better new day. Today that's my goal. I didn't write in my journal last night, didn't stay up late wondering what was going to happen next, got to bed on time and I feel pretty good today. I have already gotten dressed, taken out the dogs, put on some washing and it's only 8:15 a.m. my day is off to a good start. My goal is to be up and dressed by 7:30, busy work finished by 10:00 a.m and my reading and blogging to start around this time several days a week built around that time frame. If you have a prayer request send it to me I will pray for you. If you have some fun to share like a neat place to visit or go send that as well. If you just want a phone call or need to talk I will do that just share it with me. We will never become friends standing in the lobby of the building so when we plan our next Dutch Treat Thursday be sure to put it on your calendar. We'll do some in the evenings as well to let the ladies that work have a shot at going, too. We will make arrangement to do some cooking together. Classes for the kids and the adults at the building and use our new kitchen that the Lord blessed all of us with. We will overcome the darkness and let our light shine because there is no hope in a dark dim world so let us do our best to communicate our needs become deep and solid friends and to help each other as we walk down the path they call "life" in this world. I believe with all my heart that we can be a strong force against the wrongs of this world. I have been taxed all my life with problems that overshadowed the glory of the wonderful life I have and I am at a point where I just wont buy in anymore. I have been bless beyond anything I could have ever imagined for this sad and lonely child. I had one really wonderful friend as a child and still have her today. I thank God for her because it makes me know things can last and they can be good all the days of our lives. We all need to feel like we belong and we need to know that we belong somewhere. Each body of ladies bond differently and for different reasons those with young children bond with those who have likewise lifestyles there is nothing wrong with that. Don't think there is no place for you or your problems because there doesn't seem to be a spot just for you. Make a spot. Claim your God given right to be a part of the Lord's church. Don't expect people to make a place for you tell them you have one and work it. I fear so much that people who are not strong who don't have good friendships they fall away going the wrong path not because they didn't belong but because they didn't try to belong. I for a long time felt I didn't fit in anywhere but that was my thought. Even with problem children and heartaches and hell raining down on my head sometimes... I do have a spot I just didn't claim it and make it my own. I have to tell you life didn't work out the way I wanted it and my kids didn't turn out to be the kids I wanted them to be. They choose their own paths but I was told by "the good doctor" I see for depression... Why did I think I was so special that I could run two lives? You only get ONE life and it's your life so you make it what it is, you can only make choices for yourself. We are given children to raise. When they are we are to give them to themselves and to the Lord so they can mature. Just as I myself had to do and we as mature adults make our own choices good or bad. Even though I was told how horrible I was, that I was not supportive enough I have to realize I must not be able to be supportive enough. It's not with in my measure to supply the needs of another with unlimited wants and needs. People who are takers will always be takers and giving people will always be giving. It's the nature of the game. (break, fed dogs, folded towels, made me a cup of coffee) breaks over. I have to take breaks to keep in step with my own program LOL. I have a new name for my new blog. I will start it shortly and I will not return to this one. This is the last post in this blog as a new day is dawning with fresh ideas and better more productive thoughts. I have loved my blog. It has given me a place of expression and my prayers here are always prayed in great faith. God's good and perfect will and timing will always be the path and I praise Him for the countless times he has saved me from myself. Do I have a personality disorder? I am sure I do but God says I will love you for you and I trust in what He says. I am and always will be unto His work and service and if I can help you in anyway I will try to do so. There is no perfection in this world only grace and the mercy from a King who came down from His heavenly home to be with a dying world. As we step into His pattern let us be bold enough to hear what He is really saying......I will love you for you not for who you will be or what you will become or for what you can give for you are mine you are the child of a mighty King .......Glory be to His name always and forever.

I have noticed

Seems all things start out really strong but in due time they fall off get shorter in importance and in the end just end. That is what happens most of the time. Blogging is the same. I try to keep a written report with a journal by my bedside but even that takes to much time to keep up with daily. So is it important. Yes, I need to know when I go to appointments, when I take medications, when I have things planned and the end results of those plans. I am going to start a new and try to do better at keeping track my day planner looks like something from another planet but in and of it's self it helps some but it is so chicken scratched up it's hard to make heads of tales out of it. I saw Dr. Victor M. Manon yesterday we are going to wait for 8 weeks and try again with the implants. He seems to be a very up front honest doctor. You can't just run from doctor to doctor so I told him even though the infection cased me a lot of trouble and pain he was not off the hook. He started it and he will make it right. I think I made myself very plain and I think he understood I wanted it done right. I have contacted the Medical examiners board to check him out. I had done research on him before going but I have 8 weeks to do more so I wont stop doing whats best until I find some reason that he should do it I am sticking with the original plans. Implants are no joking matter and you better have a good doctor. How can you trust these people do you know them and it's hard to get someone to say no he is not good or don't go there. Unless they have personally used them they don't know. Then what about all the times things go perfect and all is well but then there was this one time that it didn't and it caused that doctor's name to snowball into the black ball pit. It's a guessing game and very difficult to know what to do. Roland is having the same issues with his eyes. Seeing doctors upon other doctors recommendations and with him there was no time to explore if we were using someone good or bad. We had to pray put it in God's hands and run with the ball. We do that alot. It works out pretty well. I had no way of know I would have a massive infection and neither did he. I just hope in the end it works out. He gave me clindamycin for the infection 150 mg every 8 hours for about 2 weeks started it one the 16th of June. I also started taking Amphetame SLT 10 mg to help with the excessive triedness. Alprazolam .25 which is not enough to help with anything. I am going to ask him to up it to 1 MG. I take Propoxyphne-N APAP 100MG for pain that's generic Darvocet. All the others make me itch. I really can't take anything with morphin in it that is really bad. I am taking a B-complex, Adrenal vitamins, probotics, Advil and remember I AM the person who hates having to take any kind of pill. This all started in June around fathers day with my vacation so to speak to New Mexico. Thanks to a wedding I had promised to do some of the set up on I returned quickly, started medications and have tried to go on with my life and make it a better place to be. So far so good. Who knew I would have to give in to taking medications so I just didn't go nuts. At least I don't feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time. It's a new starting point but at least you can have a new starting point and that's always a good thing.

It's been a while

I used to blog my prayers. Then I stopped blogging all together. Then I started writing them in notebooks I couldn't ever find when I wanted them but over these past months my life makes Hurricane Ike seem likes childs play. Who could even start to remember what happened why it happened and all the details. That's why blogging is important even if it is time consuming and the spell checker sucks. I went in on Wed. June 2nd to have my dental implant surgery. Paid thousands of dollars and still don't have the implants but the base work is done. Painful oh yes! My jaw is the size of a baseball. I look like somebody really worked me over and I thank God I was under full sedation when all of this went on. Not like the horrible ordeal that Roland faced with his eye surgery..... eyes wide open please! It's normal to swell and bleed, I was just told that on the phone. Who knew?? I am giving it a week to see if the swelling goes down. Don't read things on the enternet when your ill you will find the most drastic stories known to mankind. Which before your surgery you didn't read them only the ones that say what a great choice it is. I still have faith in my choices for a doctor but sure seems like a lot of over kill for some teeth to be replaced. Don't loose your bones they are hard to find again!!! Most older people have a lot of bone gone already and if you have implants it just goes with the deal. I have spent the last couple of days in bed. I am working, reading and watching Netflix to keep me sane. Blogging as well works to give you something to do while you heal. Roland is cooking me a mashed potatoe dinner. I thank God for him and his help, it will be nothing but soft foods for several months. I have a free standing tooth I have to be very careful with because I don't want it to tilt or be damaged in anyway. I love the way doctors tell you things. They come in and say honey we are going to start now don't be worried. You know that's the first sign waking up will not be a great exerience for you. I know these things heal in due time but come on 6 months from now I get to do this all again?? What joy my life has in it! I can't even think about doing the top teeth. Massive swelling I will look like Sponge Bob. Now I know why woman alway go for breast implants before they do anything else. They need to see something positive before they go in for more pain! Healing has not been this hard before a couple of hard days then it's on ward and up ward but this isn't the same deal at all. 6 months of be careful, be on gaurd work to know that they are doing the best things for you. Be happy you will be pleased later. Doesn't that sound a little funny! Oh well what is a rant without a story line. I wished I had of blogged Roland's eye surgery that would have made for a good history line later. He will need to always keep up with that information for the future and for medical matters. I have started taking some pills to help me calm down a bit seems I have stress in my life. Roland is talking about rebooking Hawaii again for next April. I think by then I might be able to see some day light. LOL Anyway I am off to do e-mail....Dear Lord be with us all for the days get harder the nights get longer and it never seems to end but in You we have hope so no matter what this life throughs at us with your guide we will be ready. I love you Lord. Even a prisoner can dream!

So much temptation so little time!

Dear Lord My Father My God

Father your child is on her knees today. Thanking You for wisedom and kindness. You alone know the workings of my heart and You alone are my shield against my own foolishness. I trust in You fully to lead me and I listen for the signs You send. Father You know the fight that is in me and the battles I face daily and I thank You for rest in prayer because it feels more like mad panic than peace. Work with me while I battle the world to know my own place here. I know that it seems that I should move forward but doing so always hurts somebody. You leave someone behind you find another place to be you walk slower and don't know the path to take. It's a burden to my heart Father to not really know or understand what You want me to do. I am asking straight away for wisedom and help only You can give me peace in knowing which direction I should take. Worry is not going to make things change>ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT> HELP ME Father to walk in Your light and Your will do not let me make a mistake that can't be changed once the choices are made. Life seems to change daily for me and I have no idea where I am going. Look at Your child Father I know I am not the only one in this sea of pain. So many need You but I cry out for myself today because without direction from You I will make the wrong choices. I prayed and I hope I am hearing from You and not myself. I see the direction but I am scared of the results. I need some peace. Is this all there is for me or is there more? I look and I see that it just doesn't seem right my thoughts are racing but are they going in the right direction? Why are there dreams if there are no answers. How long does one have to pray before the answers come that give relief? Each day has it's own troubles but Lord Your hand upon any problem can solve it. I need courage to speak my mind this is not the time to be shy about what I really want and this is not the time to be weak. Is there hope Father? Is there any real answer or do we just limp along and wonder? Father you can give it all to us and I know I have felt your presence in my dealings. I fear it to know I might not be doing what Your will is for me because I am confused. Make it clear Father. Watch over me while I act and do not let me do anything that would be displeasing to You. I do feel like Eve in the Garden looking longingly at the Tree and just wondering what should I do? Father I have a lot of fear because I know myself all to well. The words come to mind "to thine own self be true" If I am true to myself it will hurt others, I am not sure I am ready to do that to people I love and respect to have my own way. Help me Father so I do not fall into the evil paths of this world. Desire is a horrible thing when it calls to you day and night. Help me know Father what is best. Help me know how to control it.

Father, be with my list. Be with Mark Goode while he is home with his family. Give them much joy while together. Keep Alma safe and whole. Be with my Debra and Lord an extra portion for the love of My life Roland. Hold us all in Your hand and near to You Father for it is in the sacrifices of Your son we pray all things. Amen

There is a life worth living

Dear Father
While on this earth I will seek Your glory in everything, every event, every test, every detail of my life belongs to You. I needed to take some time tonight to offer a prayer for the blesses on Roland's eye. It's been scary dealing with all of this I had just expected everything to go like clock work but it didn't. He had to be very compliant to the doctors order, he had to do everything just as they would have it done. He really had to be totally devoted to getting better. As prayers were offered he did get better and even if we are still working on his healing we know You blessed us with help, with friendships and with courage to do what he had to do. It wasn't easy having a lazer shot repeatedly into his eye but by doing it healing will come. Thank You Father for putting us with a doctor who worked over time to get him in and stayed till it was done. Our doctor has been such a blessing she has been light hearted and made it easier to deal with the whole situation. Continue to bless her and make her able to be a healer.

Just wanted to let it be said how good our God is and how our lives are touched everyday if we just open our eyes and see it. Father, I have been watching some movies that are just breaking my heart. I hate that these are being made. I hope that You know that when I watch such things it's such a sad event. It makes the words Forgive them Father for they know not what they do ring in my ears. I hope You will forgive us. Your glory will show threw this messy life and when the day comes for us to know the truth it's going to be there for us and for that I am grateful. It is all going to be worth the wait and the fight to have the life that is in You not only in the days to come but in our everyday lives right now. Guide the heart of the men in leadership to give us a path to walk that will bring us home to You. Be with the one who are in charge of making choices so they make the right ones that affect Your people. Never forget us Father for there are those who will seek You and Your will no matter what the world says. I am one of those people because I believe in You and I believe in Your words. I asked that You be with my list of loved ones, the elderly those who need You daily. Keep us whole and focused in all the things that we are dealing with.

I pray it all at the feet of Jesus until the day You come or call me home. Let the light of Your love for us shine because we can see it Father when we look.....Amen

Thank You for a Blessed Day

Dear Father

Thank You for a blessed day we were able to enjoy our home and our safety here. Roland had a place to relax and recover. Be with him during this time of healing and watch over his needs. Thank You for helping us be in the right place at the right time and getting to the doctor in a timely manner where nothing went wrong and he didn’t loose his eye sight. Lord there are many things that can go wrong but when we walk with you we are as safe as we can be in this world and I am very grateful for that. Lord just hold our hands, give us faith in You and knowledge about what course of action is best. Work with our hearts and minds to keep them in focus with what You would want for Your needs and ours to be met.

Father be with Lois Allen and all those who are older that have pain and struggles. Hold tight to the promise You gave and be with them in these difficult time. Be with those who have cancer and no real answers to help them. Watch after those who just are not sure what to do with their lives. Many misgivings keep us from getting a good hold on this life and our work in it. Be with the young men and women that will face even tougher times. Help our leaders of this country to do what is right so people have jobs and educational choices that will keep this country strong. Be with the leaders of the churches to help them guide so Your will is seen. Forgive those who use Your name for their own gain. Forgive our sins and forgive when we take advantage of situations that shouldn’t happen. Forgive the lies that are told to make our lives look like something they are not. Let me always have a repentant heart and be long suffering when I am tested by the world. We have so much and it’s easy to get off track and I thank You Lord because Your word can and does bring each and everyone who loves You back into Your light. Help us all to cling to that. Let us forgive things that hurt us words that wound us let our hearts know those things will and can heal. Forgive anything that holds us from the work You have for us.

Be with new relationships, new choices and facing things that are different. Give an open heart so that I can be accepting and willing to work with those who are new coming into my life. Lord, You better than any one knows that I don’t like new people. I don’t trust well, I don’t deal well with people. I would rather get a new puppy than have to deal with a child. I know that’s wrong Father and I know I need to try harder to work with young people. Bless my life with comfort and security as I deal with new people in my life.

We are very blessed Father that the medications Debra is taking seems to have worked quickly to help some of her problems already. We are also blessed that this medication wont change the sleep study she is due to take. We need answers and I think we are getting there so Thank You Father for keeping me steady and strong to deal with these matters and Thank You for blessing her life with some healing hope. It might not be the total answer but it’s a start and we are grateful for it.

In the name of our Lord I pray it all into Your hands. You give us hope and happiness and it’s Your will in which I turn over all things….Amen.

Emergency Surgery

Dear Lord and Father

The road to heaven might be hard at times, but Jesus said in My Fathers house are many glorious dwelling places, and when we get there it will be wonderful. Rev 21:4-5 “And God will wipe away every tear from their (our) eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. Then He who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." And He said to me (John), "Write, for these words are true and faithful." There are some things just worth the trip. Glory!!!!!!!!!!!

Lord, each day I always try to start our with something from Your word, it blesses my life and keeps me keen on knowing who You are to me. I want to thank You with the deepest core that is in me for all of the things that just timed out perfectly yesterday. I want to thank You that Roland’s emergency surgery went well and even with the pain he got through it without losing his eye sight. You placed me at the right spot and with the right person to make things flow and we got Roland to the clinic in time to save his eye. Thank You, Father, for taking care of us and letting things turn out to be in our blessed favor. I want to thank You Father for Karen who was with me and could just pick up the ball and run with it getting my truck home safely and I thank You Father for a friend I can trust to just be there. Not everybody can you just toss the keys to and feel good about it. Thank You, Father, for all the blessings that are in having a Christian family that will help you in time of need. Father, yesterday we also got some medications for Debra that may be a start to helping her with her problems the doctor really seems to understand our needs and faces our problems directly and talks straight forwardly to Debra. He advised her to take 30 minutes and to turn all things that cause distraction off and to pray. I think that’s some good counsel she hasn’t really gotten before from the doctors so Father, bless her with the tenderness to understand the power that is in prayer.

Father, I want to bring to Your attention the lives of those in our military, our leadership, our countries leaders. We are fighting a battle that we have never faced before. The changes are coming fast to our way of life and Father we need Your hand on all matters that concern this country that was built on Christian values. Help us stay a Christian nation; help us all to respect the gifts of being a Christian nation. Help the leadership in our churches to guide us in the right direction. Help those who are elders of the church to guide and protect the values You designed and help them to be providers of Your words. Help us as a church to not hinder the work that these men must do. Lift them up Father and make them convicted to the cause they have dedicated themselves to and let them not grow faint and weary in the matters that concern the church and its growth.

Father, there are many I call to Your relief in matters of health, finance, faith You know them and the list is long so be with them Father, Mark Goode, Roland, Debra, Darla, Amber, Michael, David, Kim, Bo, Shirley, Harold, Linda, Mike, Liz, Bill, Jane, Robbie, Sandy, Sonny, Sandra, Nell, Peggy, Lexi, Glen, Stephen, and all that need and have needs Father just walk with Your children and keep us safe as these times show us that heartaches come and we must look to You for our sanity and our salvation while we wait for whatever may come in this life. Bless our efforts to stay in Your will and Your ways. Forgive us of our sins and let us always have a repentant heart when we don’t do as we should. Keep our lives focused on You and not on the world.

In the blessed name of our Lord Jesus Christ I lay all these burdens at Your feet. I know that You restore the brokenness of this life and until the day comes I will worship and pray for it is in the name of Jesus that all things will be made right. Amen